The Solution - Sun, Aug 9, 2020

What to do ?

Friday evening all of us at work were doing another video call, but this time it was not work. We were discussing how everything has changed since the pandemic and what do we miss about everyday life. Some background, we are a completely remote organisation without any physical office space, but people used to meet, work together, learn from each other and most importantly about each other. And that is where the conversation landed, how what we miss most is being around each other and that sense of connection. But today’s rant is not about that, it’s about the first bit. Wanting to do the everyday things and feeling stuck all the time.

I think that has been the theme of the pandemic, the world has just stopped (mostly regressed) and all the plans everyone made from that small trip to a better life have been put on hold. And the best, most important thing you can do right now to get back to that plan is stay at home. I meant it, stay the fuck at home! For everyone’s sake. Thank you.

Having said that, staying at home is fucking difficult. The monotony sucks, your mental health takes a dive and in response the world doesn’t seem to get any better. I personally miss hugs, a lot. I am utterly shameless hugger, and will make you uncomfortable with all the love. Ask my friends; they hate it, but they also love it.

Today was particularly difficult, my head was not feeling in the right place. And at times like these you want to do things that make you feel better. I wanted to go cycling, get a coffee, sit in the park and read my book. That’s my recipe for a happy day and I wanted to do exactly that. But how do you do any of that without risking your life and others in the process.

My ritual to relax and unwind used to help me get away from the same old and clear me head. But since it’s difficult to do that, I try to find variety in other places, in other things. Things which I don’t need and I cannot afford. I can tell from experience that is not a great place to be in. It took a lot of time and effort to come out of it, and I worry I will fall back in the same hole. Spending meaninglessly searching for the feeling of something new and fresh. A feeling which dissipates very quickly, and you try finding it again in more things spending more money. Welcome, you’re stuck in the cycle now. I noticed myself feeling like that again, wanting to fix this shitty feeling with physical objects. The joy is fleeting and the rut is endless.

To be truthful, I did buy some things and I do feel a little bit better. I tried to reason with myself every purchase I made, much more than I ever did before. Or maybe it’s just me trying to convince myself. Whatever it is I am taking a break, it’s a fucking pandemic and I am tired of this shit. I don’t want to be a perfect person today.

So that’s all there is, a rant and a defeat. Capitalism won again, surprise surpise. Hopefully tomorrow will be better and brighter. Hope you have a good week too! Take care.

TATA!

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