Bangalore Diaries - Sun, Aug 23, 2020

Home Sweet Home ?

I moved to Bangalore a couple of years ago and I absolutely love it here. Sure, the traffic is annoying and the cost of living is a little higher than I would prefer, other than that I have very little to complain. One reason is that I moved here from Delhi where I lived for over two decades, and the Delhi I left was nothing like the the one I grew up in. Another reason is that this was the first time I lived alone in a city, with complete independence. Experiences like those just bring you closer to a place.

Moving to a new city is the easy part. Pack your shit, take a flight, you are there. I was happy with the independence I had just gained, there was absolute control over my life and I was excited to start my new job after a long sabbatical. The difficult part about a new city is settling into one. I innocently believed that I will figure things out on the go, while I was living in a dingy apartment, eating take away most days and not having a lot of folks to hang out with. I didn’t realise all of this was affecting me because the newness of the city was still the most prominent feeling.

So that’s where I was, in a new city, trying to make a new life. The mental exhaustion and anxiety of making that new life happen was slowly and steadily getting to me. And as the newness was starting to wear out, I started to feel depressed with with no clue why that was happening. I was being paid decently at my job here and had a little bit of disposable income. The moment there was the slightest inconvenience, I started throwing money at problems buying stuff I didn’t need or would ever use. Thinking having this one more thing will give make everything better. The shopping was giving me those momentary highs while instantly leaving me back in the same depression. I thought it was because I was not settled yet, never realising I was getting lonely and struggling get my life together. It took a lot of help and a lot more money going down the drain but I was mostly able to get over it. I still struggle sometimes, but I am able to recognize the patterns now.

Having struggled through all of that Bangalore also gave me a lot. Living alone for the first time in a new place creates a special bond. I figured out what I wanted from my life here for the first time. Everything from my preferences, to my daily schedule, to my aspirations in life. All of it while exploring the city. I loved cycling to different places every week finding out something new about the city every time. I made a home for myself, a home like I have never had before. I made a connection with the city and felt like the city took me in with open arms.

Tangent - Cubbon Park is my absolute most favourite place in the world.

All of us know what happened next. Here I am writing this blog, six months into the pandemic thinking what does the city have for me next. Through these six months I saw a lot of good and bad of the city which you don’t during ordinary times. Wondering how the world has changed, how the city has changed, and how I am changing with all of it. I am going back to Delhi in a couple of weeks, only for a short while. Living alone in the pandemic is exhausting. I am not looking forward to Delhi at all, I have stopped relating to the place and apparently parents and pandemic don’t go well together. But I am curious to find out how I will feel when I come back to Bangalore. What will that be like. What new relationships will I create with the city. I do hope I fall in love again.

TATA!

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