Natural Disasters - Fri, Sep 25, 2020

What is enough ?

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Today marks the third day of my complex feelings around work and culture. I feel like I have landed on something here, even if it’s just a bunch of feelings with no end in sight. And like the other two days, today I am attempting to make sense of all my feelings again. Mostly to go to sleep, leaving all the anxiety on this blog.

One thing to know about me is that I am an overenthusiastic cutlet. I like knowing everything, being involved in everything, participating in all conversations. If I am a part of the exercise, I am completely in. I will not sit on the sidelines and enjoy, if that’s my role I usually end up leaving that task.

The challenge with this entire setup is that it’s extremely exhausting. When the work ends I am completely drained. But I would lie if I say that I don’t enjoy it. But I also want a break. Yep I know it doesn’t make sense, please bear with me. I just wish I cared a little less about some things, a little less involved, a little less anal about things, a little less pain in my own ass.

A lot of my anxiety also stems from the feeling that I am not enough, what I am contributing is not valuable enough. I try to overcompensate by doing more, involving myself more and then hating every second of it. There is this brilliant comic by the brilliant Sarah Andersen (who is the most amazing ever), that perfectly summarizes how I feel. And I don’t want to feel that way, sometimes I want to forget things and relax.

So that’s where I am in life constantly, and one day I get tired of this shit and move on to a new place. A new place where I can convince myself of the same anxieties and start again. I don’t want to do that all the time, I want to stick around and grow and evolve with a place and not hyper speed my way through it. Let’s hope that day comes soon.

TATA!

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